Drama was so important to me. It was my motivation, the thing I looked forward to back then. It was my love. Then it ended. I left secondary school. Then there was that few months in between. I found a small role in a production at Zouk. I was so happy. I could again be there on stage, and be myself. Then that ended too. I lost all contact with the people there and my secondary school too.
Then I came to poly. First day of school, I was scared. Apprehensive. And strangely, excited. Strange faces, accents, language that over the last few years I became used to, to accept, to understand, to call my friends. I foolishly chose a course that I liked. About computers, about technology, about electronics. That, was the biggest mistake I ever did. Sure there are some mistakes that I made which may seem to you bigger than 'choosing' something I was interested in. Like not chasing that person. Like refusing to believe that I was able to actually like someone who I didn't know very well. Here in polytechnic, I've find that I'm regressing. Without an older mentor, without someone to look up to and say 'I wish I could do as well as him', I've let myself slide back into a state where I've no motivation to do anything else except to get by each day by doing the least possible of my responsibilities.
Its pathetic. Its poor. Thats me.
After I left secondary school, I could look back, and said: look I've got this award for doing this, and I did that for this award. But looking back at my 2 and half years here at poly, I cannot say the same. There's nothing I can look back to, and say proudly that I did that. What changed? I've no idea.
And so, as my dear father used to say, that I was digging a hole so deep that I couldn't get out of. And I don't think I can help myself anymore. Maybe I'll just give up even trying. I don't know how to stop, and to get back up.
These self reflective posts always seem so lonely...maybe I want to write some more, maybe I don't.
l288
